We’re Homeschooling to Give Our Kids Our Values, Says Family Whose Values Suck (Satire)

In a recent interview, the local Johansen family revealed that homeschooling was necessary to transfer their terrible values to the next generation.

“It’s important that we pass on our anger, ignorance, and apathy to the next generation,” noted Dr. Dean Horply, a psychologist and author of RageClean: The Purifying Power of Godly Anger. “Without parents there to guide them, who knows what impact the culture might have on our children’s minds?”

“I’m not generally an angry person,” said Susan Johansen, 45, after she screamed at her son Abe, 15, for not cleaning his room. “Jesus was the prince of peace, after all, and we want to teach our kids that. But we all make mistakes and our mistakes are learning opportunities: it’s important that our kids learn about grace too!” She then turned to her son Jack, 17, informing him that she’d had it up to here with the mess in his bedroom and that if he didn’t clean his stuff up right now he’d find it in the dumpster.

“We’re concerned that secular schools indoctrinate students and don’t teach them to think for themselves,” added her husband William, 47, who admitted to having only the vaguest sense of what independent thinking was. “When they can’t think, they can’t reason. And if they can’t reason, they can’t think. And that’s very bad for our country.”

“Plus, by having them home,” he added, “We’re building deep relationships with our children.” When asked, the children did not know what their father did for a living although the youngest suggested that the career might have something to do with him being useless.

Susan corrected her daughter, Belle, 13. “It’s not that he’s useless, honey,” she said. “It’s just that he’s useless to us, like when he’s washing the dishes wrong or making a mess of the lawn.”

Even though the Johansen’s church attendance is sporadic at best, they expressed the belief that Christian schools in the area would be incapable of efficiently communicating the message of the gospel as well as they could.

“It’s critical that our kids learn about the gospel, which is why we have them watch Veggietales for their Bible classes; you might think he’s not listening,” Susan said, gesturing at Jack on the couch, who appeared to be asleep and also in his late teens. “But he’s taking it all in. I’ve heard that you can learn quite a bit through sleep learning. And learning is hard. That’s one of the central messages of the gospel, which is why we’re glad he can learn it in such an authentic way.”

“We know our kids better than anyone,” said the parents, who failed to know anything about the daughter Belle’s accomplishments as as Youtube star. The channel deals almost exclusively with the application of makeup she is not allowed to wear and is filmed on a burner phone while her parents slept, Belle’s Youtube channel reports, adding that her parents are “like, stupid.”

“We feel like the school learning environment is too restrictive and constrains a child’s growth,” said Susan. She added, “Has anyone seen Abe in the last few days?”

“In the end, we really love our children and want them to grow up with a strong sense of family, protected from the ways of the world,” William told reporters.

As of printing time, the eldest son was planning attending a local Christian college to pursue pastoral studies. The other two children were excited about attending the same college to learn about binge drinking.

Editor’s Note: We’re homeschooling our kids, so this is a critique of us as much as anyone. Avoid rage. Unless you’re actually interested in joining the dark side, in which case — hey, go for it!